why didn't you poke me back
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
