I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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