I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
