btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
