Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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