She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
