I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
