I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
