i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
