We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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