I'm going to jail i love you
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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