Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
organizing the empties. That sober.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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