so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
