The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
