the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Welp...herpes.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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