dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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