It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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