If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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