the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
