so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
