my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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