I'm really into asian looking animals
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
