Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
