you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
