Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
