I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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