i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
