got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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