i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
