Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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