I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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