I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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