Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
