Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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