Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
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We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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