The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Sorry about my life...
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