What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
