Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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