A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
