My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
