After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
