checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
