She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
