Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
