he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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