The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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