oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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