WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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