dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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