is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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