Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
