They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
