At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
