Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
